This is not a cancer blog

Once again, thanks again for the good wishes! 

Well, the last two days have been tough.  There’s no point in pretending otherwise.  I found out Thursday night, and I was in shock.  I was not expecting this.  I was glad my mom was there, because I was really shaken.  And disappointed.  I had been so looking forward to toasting the New Year, happy and relieved because I did not have cancer, and now I can’t do that, because I might actually have cancer.  I cried.  I drank.  2/3 of a glass of wine. Friday was tough too.  I went to work, and I was again really shaken.  I didn’t cry, but I did drink more at home.  1/2 of a glass of wine.  I poured 2/3 of a glass, but couldn’t finish it.  (I know, I know, I’m a total lightweight.  My brother teases me about that all the time.) 

I can’t really post any new information, because I don’t have any yet.  I didn’t even try to call the doctor’s office yesterday, because I knew I couldn’t finish work if I did that.  I’d be too busy locking myself in the bathroom crying. I don’t know if they’re only going to remove the nodule or the whole thyroid, and I have fears either way, depending on whether it’s benign or malignant. 

But it wasn’t bad all day.  I wish someone would remind people that, when they get terrible news, they aren’t actually sad all the time.  Your mood fluctuates.  I thought about that a couple of months ago, when I saw an interview with an injured athlete.  She said that she would alternate between laughing and crying.  I had forgotten how that works.  So, I too would alternate between laughing and feeling sad. 

I do know one thing though, that this blog is not going to be a “I might have cancer blog.”  That’s not why I started this blog.  (Ok, I actually started this blog on a fluke).  And that’s not what I want this blog to be.  I’m going to post updates about my condition, of course, and what I experience through this.  But this blog is not going to be dominated by cancer.  I’ve got a lot of other random thoughts going through my head, not just about cancer.  And the rest of the world needs to be subjected to my random thoughts! 

So, I’ll post more about my condition and what will happen, once I know more.  But until then, stay tuned for my upcoming post, “Why Caroline Wozniacki Makes Me Mad.”  Because this is not a cancer blog, and Caroline Wozniacki DOES make me mad. 



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6 Responses to This is not a cancer blog

  1. queridorafa says:

    Thanks for your candor, Emma. It’s great that you’re still able to laugh and think about other things even with such tough stuff on your mind. Glad your mom has been there for support! Hoping you get more information and maybe even some good news soon from your doctor! Best wishes!

    • ariennalee says:

      I echo QR’s sentiments, Emma. You’re right, I’ve had people tell me that they’ve been able to be more in touch with their aliveness in the face of bad news. Nonetheless, I still hope you get some better news soon! Also, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with blogging about your experience. It’s not so much “cancer blogging” as it is blogging about life!

      • That’s true, you appreciate the happier moments a lot more when you have bad news. Yeah, I’m still going to blog about my experience and what I’ve learned, don’t worry about that. I just plan to blog about other things as well.

    • Thanks Querido Rafa! Yeah, mom was a big help when I found out. And yes, good news would be awesome! I would love that!

  2. Professor says:

    before going underknife consider having Affrma (molecular test) which may give definite answer!

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