I saw my endocrinologist for the last time on Tuesday.
I had not seen him in over a year because of unemployment/insurance reasons. I was terrified to see him; I thought he would be mad at me.
I was so nervous, my blood pressure was 140/94 when they took it. I was also worried because my blood pressure had been high, and I was terrified that it would still be high, despite the fact that I have been religiously reading labels for sodium. (They put that shit in everything!) I felt like a failure. (Of course, when my doctor took it in his office, it was 124/84, which is still a little high, but not out of control.
My pulse was high, but my doctor suspects that is a symptom of hyperthyroidism. They will likely tweak my dose and allow my TSH level to be between .4-1.0, to make sure that the high pulse is simply a symptom if hyperthyroidism.
The crazy thing is, my doctor was really nice. He’s a good doctor, and a good person. He was very concerned and not mad at me, and put me at ease, which was not easy, considering how nervous I was. (I’ve been under a lot of stress at work lately, but that’s another post for another day.)
So why didn’t I like him? I think it’s because he’s my cancer doctor, or one of them. He was the bearer of bad news. He told me that I needed to lose weight, which I do. (I’ve bought a (Fitbit to track my steps and I am going to eat more plants. I also plan to keep a food diary.) Worse than that, I associate him with cancer, with all of the fear and terrible memories of that time.
I still ended up getting a referral for doctors at another office. (It is hard for me to travel to see him given my current job. Before, I had a day off during the week, but now I have to take vacation. Plus, I have to pay for parking, which sucks completely.) I have no regrets; I have to go for convenience. Still, a part of me was sorry that I wouldn’t be seeing him. I thanked him for everything, and a part of me was sad I would not be seeing him again.
But he is still my cancer doctor, which makes it hard to like him.
But for that matter, does anyone “like” their cancer doctor?